Authism - revisiting demand avoidance, social awkwardness and phone phobia with quotes from 'Did You Whisper Back?'

 

I have spoken about my book 'Did You Whisper Back? previously. The main character, Amanda, is actually schizophrenic but there are many  similarities between the two conditions. Bleuler, who coined the name 'schizophrenia' also coined 'autism' in Nazi occupied Austria. "Bleuler had only meant it to be coined as a temporary symptom of schizophrenia. It was only under Nazi rule, in the work of Hans Asperger in the 1930s and 1940s, that those who came to be called autistic were singled out as having a unique way of being..." (Empire of Normality by Robert Chapman).

I wonder if Amanda was presenting with the same symptoms today whether she would be diagnosed with autism instead. 

But when I first started penning the book in the late 1970s I didn't know about the commonalities.

Amanda withdraws into her fantasy world to make sense of the confusing world around her. She has difficulties in social relationships, and likes to spend time in her own. But she leaves Liverpool and goes off to work in a Devon hotel in search of her 'imaginary twin sister'. While at the hotel she tries to mask and fit in with the other hotel staff but the finds it more and more difficult. I now interpret this as the exhaustion of masking. She feels as if the characters are being superimposed on her and feels an amalgamation of them all. Like they're holding a mirror to her and she's reflecting them. 

When she returns home after the season has finished, her mother is pressing her to get a job. We see Amanda's thoughts and how she is struggling under the weight of the demands:

"Nag, nag. Situations Vacant, clean the bathroom sink, clean the whole bathroom, men are coming to repair the central heating. Make them a cup of tea, white two sugars, talk to them.  Each separate message pounds out with increasing tempo – this way, no this way, anniversaries that way, signing on over there, job applications here, Social Security, tidy the room, feed the cat, answer the phone, the phone, shampoo's running low, we have visitors, visitors, smile and be polite and help bring in the plates.  As soon as some jobs are safely cleared away, a whole new cluster rears its ugly head. What would a flat be like with rent and bills and the rest of it? She lives an endless list as it is."

Then there is the fear of the telephone and it's incessant ringing. As I've said in a previously blog, in those days there were no answerphones, you had to answer them or wait until the stopped. There was no caller display to know who was calling. No mobiles. Even autistics  today struggle with the demands mobile phones bring. All that sensory overload, all that pinging. But at least we have a choice to put them on silent. It's that whole thing about talking, having to think what to say. Thinking on our feet.  Then again we have that choice of communication. We can use voice notes. We can answer in our own time to a certain extent. We can message or text or email.

But there is a quote from the book where Amanda is having a breakdown and the phone looms large in her life:

"What? Still no end to the bur-burr noise, ringing with rekindled fury from the vaults of somewhere? She runs upstairs in terror to her bedroom, blocks her ears, buries her head beneath copious padding, turns her radio up full blast but nothing will dam the current of ringing. They congregate again, bending over her like weeping reeds. Does it puzzle them to think a telephone has been deliberately taunting her with its rhyming echo for twenty-four hours or a week? Perhaps half a lifetime?"

I will be returning to this as I have written a spin-off to the main story.

Many thanks.

Authism - discussing learning harmony parts with Audhd

Today I wanted to take a break from talking about autism and writing and instead talk about autism/adhd and music, specifically to learning harmonies. Music has always been a huge part of my life and I’ve always loved to sing along to songs that I love. But I wondered whether fellow autistics or people with ADHD or both have also found this to be a challenge. It was something I couldn’t do for ages and when I was a child I thought I was incapable. Yet I’m quite good at remembering tunes and they sort of stick in after hearing them once or twice.

But I needed to hear individual harmonies separately to begin with. I grew up hearing my family singing harmonies but I didn’t read music so could only learn by ear. Hearing everyone else singing their harmonies sounded lovely but I couldn’t pick out the harmonies when everyone was singing together. This perhaps isn’t so unusual especially when I realise that teaching harmonies takes a lot of time, learning and processing before the song is embedded in memory. It’s something that needs to be repeated over and over and I don't remember being taught this growing up, so it flummoxed me. 

It took me years to get the hang of it and I had this negative idea that I just couldn’t do it. I’m now thinking it’s another of those slow processing things or that I just wasn't taught so I just gave up, convinced I couldn’t hold a part. If I was anywhere singing as a group this was probably reinforced further.

I learned much later in life that if I was completely surrounded by others singing the same part  I wouldn’t get distracted by the other people singing a different harmony. But it took me ages not to get distracted or drawn in by another part; to be able to filter out the other harmonies.  

It wasn’t until I was in my early 40s when I went to a small singing group that it gradually began to click for me. There were only a few of us there and many weren’t very confident either, so I excelled a bit compared to my former self because I went regularly and got to know the tunes. I felt  I had to belt out the part I was doing because there was such a small handful of us somebody had to otherwise we would all sink together. This sometimes fell to me. I did it so I knew where I was going and could keep on track. If I faltered I would lose the harmony too. Other people followed me and that boosted my confidence as did getting positive feedback from the group. Maybe I was better at this than I thought.  As I say I’m quite a quick learner and have a good musical memory. As a child I only had to listen to song on the radio once or twice before the tune would play around in my head all week.

After the small group, I went to another small group and then my sister and I progressed to a community choir where were was a much larger group and longer more complex songs to learn. There would be many people in each different part, whether soprano alto or bass and it was easier to stick to the particular harmonies. There  is confidence in numbers so if you had lots of people around you, you wouldn’t be pulled to another part.

I no longer go to community choir. I went for many years but because of health issues I don’t anymore. But then lockdown came and my sister and I joined an online singing group on Zoom. It meant I could indulge my love of singing and harmonies again. Sometimes  we can get a three-way harmony going if the choir leader or guest singer does one part and my sister and I are doing two other parts. It’s the next best thing to singing in person.  I can hold a part on my own if I know a song very well but sometimes it's more challenging; sometimes I need to get to know the part inside out and if I miss the beginning for coming in, I have to start again. This doesn’t happen much in the online singing, but if I’m trying to do one at Christmas I have to begin again if I miss the part where I come in. I try and learn at least one new  harmony every year to a Christmas carol because I love Christmas carols. I love the harmonies and this is where online recordings come into their own. 

Anyway I just wondered how other autistic or people with ADHD find this. I know some of you will excel at this, especially if it’s special interest or if you like me it’s just taking you longer to get there to do harmonies even though music and songs and melodies for me have always been massively important in my life.  I’d love to hear your feedback. 

Authism - oversharing (poem)

Hello 

I wrote a poem about oversharing in the summer which I've shared on Facebook and Instagram as well as reading on TikTok. Now I'm posting here.

I think I now overshare - not only because this is the way we all do it these days on social media - but also to make up for the fact that I used to undershare or not share at all as a young thing. So I'm probably over-compensating, since I've found my voice!

How about you? Do let me know in the comments below if this resonates at all. I always love to hear from others.