I came across a passage I’d written (I’m writing memoirs at the moment) about how I felt at 34 when I was trying to embrace hugging 😄 (no pun intended!) just interesting to see how I felt at the time - I’m Ok with it now but only people I’m close to.
“What’s more, G was a great hugger. He’d warned me of that before coming down to visit in August and I’d not the heart to tell him I wasn’t. Besides, I was into many things new age then, wasn’t I? And part of the New Age was to hug people indiscriminately - stiff upper lip be damned. As soon as he came through the door into our kitchen the hugging began, long and lingering, and I felt a bit of an imposter. This wasn’t really me, but I was trying it for size. I don’t know where (my sister) was, maybe in the sitting room, but I was relieved when I could break up all this unnatural intimacy.”
I now see this as classic people-pleasing and masking. I wasn't at all comfortable with the intimacy but I wanted to 'fall in' with my new friend. I didn't want to be perceived as aloof or untactile or untouchable. My boundaries were blurry, my assertive voice under-developed. Was I really clear about my needs anyway? Part of my family wasn't huggy but I wanted to change all that. I saw others happily embracing each other and wanted a bit of that. I was sick of passively receiving hugs and being uncomfortable with the two of us hesitating instead of swooping in. I started giving hugs. Not usually to men unless family or close friends. But giving hugs was empowering. I hoped I was picking up the correct cues. One time I hugged a friend and my hair got tangled in her glasses and we were locked together in this awful intimacy. It was probably some time before we hugged again!
I’m particularly interested to hear from other older and late diagnosed autistic women about the complex relationship to embracing.
Thank you for reading 😊
Complex is definitely the word. Before my late-late diagnosis, I never understood why I was so unhugging. I thought maybe I was cold. But in reality, I'm not at all. I just find physicality difficult. My heart feels the feelings for people I love, but the hugs are hard. Sounds like you've come to grips with it *also no pun intended*. I'm working on it. But I relate. Younger me did what was expected in regards to hand shakes, hugs, etc., but I definitely see that I was people pleasing and masking. Thanks for your words. Ps...this is from deaborahrise (no idea how to work the non anonymous thing).
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments Deaborah. Yes I definitely had those feelings when I was younger and thought I was maybe unhuggable but think I was maybe giving off vibes? It's so hard to make a hug spontaneous if you're not used to doing it! I think they come more naturally to me now but only among certain people. The anonymous thing is infuriating and especially when I can't even comment as me! I cracked it by realising I needed to be in Google Chrome. But I've stuck with Google blogger as I've had it for so long and didn't want to learn a new one at this juncture 😊
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